An Air Force officer’s wife having three children is a rarity. At parties, I have grown used to the “don’t-tell-me” expression on the faces of friends — an astounded look that quickly softens into sympathy.
I am sure the ever-increasing tribe of single-child mothers takes me for an outdated woman from a non-contraceptive era. With a mix of pity and disbelief in their eyes, they seem too eager to hear the usual story of the unplanned, unexpected, out-of-the-blue stork.
I clarify that, in reality, it was quite the contrary: as a mother of three, I had actually wanted a baby girl after two sons (read: brats). All eyes pop out further when they are told that all three are siblings from the same set of parents.
The Kitty Party
At social gatherings, the woes of single-child parents pour in unabated. Sleepless nights, the colic, the weaning, the dreaded start of solid food. Another mother bewails how tiring it is to be on one’s toes the whole day, or how she’s still dealing with post-delivery depression.
A third laments pre-schooling and the unending homework. The list of misery goes on and on.
I always felt the odd one out and was at a loss for words, since my problems were compounded three times over what these ladies were experiencing. But uttering anything would only have added to the existing confusion, so I often ended up a silent spectator.
Turning Awkwardness Into Advantage
I know I must be sounding a bit conceited, but over the years I have turned my awkwardness into an advantage. I have learnt the art of swinging the spotlight of conversation back onto myself.
Very cleverly, at an opportune moment, I butt in and say, “I beg to differ.” There is a sudden silence — a pregnant pause. Nonchalantly, I tell them how easy and effortless it was bringing up my three children.
It takes no time for the sympathetic, unbelieving look to change into one of awe and wonder. By now they look upon me as a born agony-aunt, a miracle lady, a walking encyclopaedia with solutions to all their problems. I bask in this newfound elevated status and dole out advice after advice, trying hard to look the part of a supermom.
Why Closely-Spaced Siblings Are a Mother’s Best Bargain
I tell them how wise it is to have three closely born children. How the bottle-sterilising, night-long vigils, and nappy-washing all finish in one go — and then, blissfully, you are free
I tell them how I cut costs with one pram, one walker, and one tricycle, all hand-me-downs from one child to the next. Not to mention the clothes, books, shoes, and the free third haircut on every two. As any seasoned mother of three will confirm, the economies of scale are real.
For families curious about the science behind sibling spacing, research on the social and cognitive benefits of growing up with siblings is genuinely encouraging — much more so than the dinner-party doomsayers would have you believe.
The Carrot, the Cartoon, and the Competitive Edge
Bragging about what a hands-on mother I was, I told them how I encouraged competition between the three. There was always a child trying to finish his food quicker than the other two.
I would dangle the carrot: the one who sat quietly got to watch his favourite cartoon. The one who slept early earned a solo ride on the bike. The one who behaved himself at a party was privileged to sleep between mummy and papa. The one who finished his homework could go out to play first. The one who put away his toys would be the last to get a bath.
Trying to look the know-all grande dame of maternity, I bragged about travelling alone by train with three toddlers in tow to join my husband, who was on long detachments to either Leh or Guwahati. (For more on military-family life, see [Link to Air Force wife].
From Awkward Outlier to Neighbourhood Supermom
Gathering adulation from my awestruck audience, I go on about how fortunate my next-door single-child couple felt to have me as a neighbour. Their spoilt, stubborn, pampered, unyielding brat was often sent to my home to be trained in manners, etiquette, and team spirit.
I made my home sound like a mini-crèche where the neighbourhood kids got their first lessons in finishing their milk, eating on their own, or just sitting quietly. My conquest was complete when my listeners learnt that I was a contented stay-at-home mother of three who never missed going out to work.
I made them realise how narrowly they had missed the bus for becoming the proud parents of three. I don’t forget to remind them of all the sophisticated star-couples like the Brangelinas and the Beckhams who have opted for the three-kid formula.
The Truth Behind the Bravado
It is strange how, for so many years, I inadvertently made the trials and tribulations of bringing up three children sound like a cake-walk — the coolest thing to do on earth. I am glad that this bravado has helped me forget all the harrowing days of cub-fights, infections, inoculations, and hair-pulling.
Amazing, how I can now smile at all the years of vegetating self-doubt and tears of sheer helplessness. I truly believe that being a busy mother of three were the most thrilling years of my life.
If this resonated with you, you may also enjoy [Link to another Prerna blog post about family, memory, and motherhood]
A version of this essay was first published in The Hindu, 21 November 2010, page 12.
About the Author
Dr. Bhanumati Mishra (MPhil, PhD) is the Head of the Department of English at Arya Mahila P.G. College, Banaras Hindu University, Varanasi. She completed her doctoral research on Amitav Ghosh and has research experience from IIT Kanpur in Natural Language Processing and Machine Translation. She is the author of three books — Amitav Ghosh and his Oeuvre (2011), Echoes of Silence (2017), and The Crimson Dot (2018). Her articles, poems, and translations have appeared in The Hindu, Hindustan Times, and other leading publications. She is the founder of Indic Warriors, and has been featured as a panelist on CNN News18, Times Now, and Jio Hotstar.
